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|Friday, January 27th, 2006|
Another sleepless night. I wrote some more in a story I started recently and tried to get an episode of the OC I downloaded to run, but failed at every step. Porn is really annoying. I think its more exciting actually looking for new porn than watching it. Whatever. Myspace wasn't up so thats why I'm writing this here. Nothing new is happening. There is some class party on saturday for the celebration of our breakout way back when, I'll probably go, drink, and come back and sleep. Maybe I won't drink, but then why should I go? I really miss being with Liz. I feel so empty and useless most of the time. I'm trying to improve myself, but its not easy without motivation. Luckily I can usually scrounge together some hopes for the future to get myself to do something productive. I need to read a book and write a review of it by monday, gay. Plus I have lots of other shit to read and do as well. Oh well, I have formation in 20 minutes.
|Monday, January 23rd, 2006|
|what the hey
I have been up all night, due to two mains things: First, I slept untill about 3 pm today and the other reason is so typical that there is no point in spelling it out. My what a productive night. I played Doom 3 some more, until it became unexciting and annoying. Then after a brief internet break I played some Hoyle Poker, which I lost at twice. After I lost all my fictional money for the 2nd time I realized it was almost 3 am, so I grabbed my learning materials and went off to do some French. I worked on that for nearly 2 hours, took a shower, and now I sit here, much cleaner than before, writing in my livejournal. Hooray. There's another week of gayness ahead, but I think my Rat breaks out at the end of it. If so there will be some sort of party, with lots of booze, and all the rats will cheer their new found freedom until they realize that VMI still sucks, just in a different and much more boring way. I haven't drank anything since I left hendo, and may possibly decide to continue my dry spell.
I miss my days as a Rat/Freshman/4th classman. Everything was so clear and easy. I knew what I wanted, and I didn't worry about the rest because I knew that one day I would reach my goals. Such a simple time, and relatively carefree compared to now. Sure I was stupid and unexperienced in the ways of the world, but I was a hell of a lot happier. Reality sucks. Current Mood: nostalgic
|Thursday, January 19th, 2006|
|who cares, the subject doesn't matter
I don't know how I'm doing. There is only uncertainty about pretty much everything. I'm just a big pussy when it all comes down to it. I'm sad because I made some really stupid mistakes in the past and all i can do about it is beat myself up. All I hear is, "There are many fish in the sea." Well great. I'm in a fucking aquarium. I don't care that I might get to swim around in the ocean later on, I'm sad now. What good is it that I can one day maybe go do something. I'm at VMI and I will be here for another year after this semester is over. I'm planning on either going to summer school here or maybe studying abroad in Morocco in the summer. If I contract this year I'm going to have to go to Fort Lewis in Washington state for like a month this summer, so either way I will be hindered in seeking female companionship. Even if I didn't have all that, who would I pursue?
I suppose all I'm doing is feeling sorry for myself. What alternatives do I have, pray-tell? I could just shut myself off from outside contact and hope that when I reemerge I can start over. I wish I could just block these feelings from my mind and just not care or at least give the appearance of doing so. I want to be fucking optimistic about the future, but its not easy. Pretty much everyone I talk to is very nice and tries to be supportive and encouraging. I really do appreciate it, but against all my logic and sense the actions and opinions of one particular person hold sway over my emotions right now. Yeah its stupid to say that because it gets me no where, but I'm only writing what I'm thinking. I'm going to indulge in some Elliot Smith and hopefully get my work done tonight. I hate being so helpless to the onslaught of my emotions. Maybe I'll look into some psychological or psychiatric help when I get a chance. I like being happy, I like not feeling sad and depressed, but unfortunately I'm going through a period in my life where the two extremes are just switching around whenever they please. I hate it. Current Mood: discontent
|Friday, January 13th, 2006|
|chip chip cheroo
I finally watched Munich all the way through, thanks to some fellow taking his camcorder into the theater and making his horrid recording available on-line. It would have been much more impressive had I finished watching it at Epic, but I was not in the right mind set at the time. It was good I guess, but pesemistic to say the least. I had a moment of optimism earlier this morning/night. I felt like I was put into this situation to realize my past faults and stupidity, and to correct them. I have a lot I have to accomplish to succeed on my path in life, and this requires a dedication to focus on bettering myself as a student, soldier, and man. If I say I'm going to do something then I must follow through with this promise, whether it be to myself or another. I'm really going to try this time. No really, my laziness and temptations must go. I'm going to stop hurting myself and my future and stop doing the wrong things. This is my decision and i am deciding right now to go through with it. I have found comfort in the wrongs I have perpotrated, now I will look for comfort in doing what is right. God help me keep this vow, lest I be lost. Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, January 11th, 2006|
|I am stupid
I think that I have determined what happened. I am to blame for the demise of my relationship with Liz. I became too comfortable with the idea that we would always be together. I didn't treat her the way one would treat a girl you are in love with. Romance, whatever your defenition of the word may be, was not something I excelled in. I hadn't the first clue on how to show my love other than by saying it and spending nearly all of my time with her. But the time I spent was wasted doing the wrong things. I know this now, but I didn't then. I was a liar. I made promises that I didn't keep. I was lazy. I didn't try to improve myself for her, or even if I did attempt it I stopped the process because I was lethargic. I had no experience in having a relationship. I learned the hard way, by making all the wrong decisions and only realizing it after the fact. It hurts no matter what, however. The girl that I love is no longer mine. We are both inexperienced in life. But I'm now an adult. 21 years old. Reality in painful. I had her for nearly a year and a half. But where was I going? Marriage I thought was inevitable, just something that would happen. But what did that mean? Bart is 33 years old and he just got married this year, after being engaged for like 6 years or something. But then Jennifer is not Liz. I'm sure he went through all kinds of shit with her. The good and bad, but they stayed together. Look at me. I'm a 21 year old man, with atleast 1.5 years left of school. Then? The Army? I'm already in, and who knows if I won't get deployed before I even finish school. I have a vague idea of what I need to do, but I'm a fucking kid. Its like nothing was real to me until now. Like seeing the flame burning in front of me, but never truely believing that it could burn me if I touch it. Well I touched it, and it burns. Fuck, I'm in the flames right now and have been for awhile, but am only now realizing I'm on fire. I'm still a fool. I thought I was so fucking smart, that everything was so clear. Black and White. No doubts, no questions. I will continue learning the lessons of life until the day I die. I just wish I could have known how badly love hurts. Jesus help me. I hope to God that I will one day have her back. That she will one day love me again. Do you know how painful it is to imagine that I've lost her forever? That she will find someone else and fall in love with them and one day forget me? That our time together will just become a series of blurs, like it never occured? I refuse to accept such a future. God, I would do anything for her; do anything to make her happy and one day love me again. There's a Cinderella song(a horrible 80's hair band)which goes "You never know what you've got till its gone." I didn't realize what Liz meant to me until now. I have to accept the current situation as it is, and know that it will be this way for a long time. I hope that one day I'll get another chance. I hope that we really did love each other and that it can happen again. I need to grow up a lot before that'll ever happen. God give me the strength to become a good man. Love is the strongest and most wonderful human experience, but its also the most painful. Current Mood: hopeful
|Wednesday, January 4th, 2006|
|what is going on?
God is the way into the light. I have been without Him for far too long and hope that I can change my ways and return to His love. The Devil holds me in his grasp and will not let me be. Without the Lord there is nothing but sorrow and death. Aren't I wise. I believe it, but I don't know how to do it. Current Mood: sad
|Sunday, October 30th, 2005|
so I spent my weekend drinking and playing F.E.A.R, and unexciting game that for some reason is addictive. Liz partied down with Nick and Will, and I have a paper to write for tomorrow. hooray. Nothing to do but get started. I am sexually deprived.
|Friday, October 7th, 2005|
Yeah, so I don't update on a regular basis. I admit it! VMI is a very droll place and not much seems to happen, but today I am full of energy and at a lack of things to do, so why not. Today I went on facebook.com and sent messages to as many friends not at VMI as I could. I miss a lot of those people, they were good friends and it seems slightly depressing that I have failed to keep in touch with the majority of them over the years.
Things here have been slow. This week has been my most academically demanding as of yet. Papers due, Tests. Many a sleepless night spent actually trying to catch up on work. I went on Army FTX last weekend, which was gay as all get out. I spent the weekend sleeping very little in the woods nearby and hiking around with an incredibly uncomfortable rucksack. Thats about it.
I spend my days playing Half Life 2: Day of Defeat or watching anime, The OC, and other such foolishness. I've quit smoking, but dipping is a different matter. I do not do it very often, but when nicotine calls, skoal is my response. Also, I've lost a bit of weight, so I'm skinny again. I have yet to lift weights, pathetic. But I really do need to. I should join some kind of club as well. Maybe Club Crew, i.e. rowing. But I've heard nothing back from those weirdos. As I Lay Dying is very excellent and there is a new Underoath song on their website and thankfully it does not disapoint. I still maintain that Elliot Smith is better that Bright Eyes. I don't care what you say, anyone who stabs themselves twice in the heart with a butcher knife deserves respect. I'm waiting Oberst. Also, I'm not very fond of Oberst's politicaly whining songs. If its not Rush, I don't hear it.
Liz and I are doing well, even though our relationship may be slightly more complicated currently. I still love her with all of my being. Stay strong everyone. Wow, that was a lot. Current Mood: energetic
|Tuesday, September 13th, 2005|
Elliot Smith is awesome and beats the shit of Connor Oberst. and my balls are huge.
|Saturday, September 10th, 2005|
No joke, I'm about to watch Dark Angel. All three seasons. I mean its no OC but it'll do for now. Speaking of which, i do have a birthday coming up, and the 2nd season of the OC should be out... it would be swell.
|Monday, September 5th, 2005|
the gayness ensues. I have done nothing today other than go to class and play counterstrike. I'm going to read for my modern jap history and do more of nothing tonight. blah blah rectum. VMI actually won against Davidson on saturday, 33-0, so I was allowed the opportunity to duck out and do some drinkin' and go to some W&L party. That was pretty uneventful as well. I ended up talking to some girl on the porch for about an hour and then we came back. I think I've forgotten how to flirt, because I'm pretty sure I wasn't doing it. I guess I'll need to drink more next time. We did manage to snag an almost full bottle of Jim Beam, which is still in Mercer's car. I miss you Liz and can't wait to see you. Current Mood: okay
|Thursday, September 1st, 2005|
I'm working on my 5th day back at VMI. Things are going gayly as usual. I need to get a parking permit before they tow my car. I will fill out my permit to go to the wedding sonn as well, I still need some teachers' signatures. I'm sick, I bought some dayquil, so I can fight back for a few hours at a time. I'm tired and need sleep, but I get to go to some stupid inspection instead. what else... oh yeah, I don't get a rat because I'm on conduct probation, and when I get off of it I'll probably get some gay rat or none at all. Its not bad, but I can still complain. I cough too much. I have bronchitis or something. it sucks. Fallout Boy and The Format, however, have addictively catchy songs. Liz made good tips last night, but most of it will pay for her gas. I miss her and hope she's doing well. Hurricanes blow. Current Mood: sick
|Wednesday, August 10th, 2005|
|How much money do you have?
So I went to buy an alternator today. And there was this Mexican fellow who told me that a new one would cost 104 dollars, and when I said nevermind that is too much, he whispered into my ear, ever so gently, "I can remedy that maing. How much do you got on you?" And so I said, "Nay, but thirty dollars." And so he said, "Okay Maing!" and went into the back and fished out a new alternator and we completeed the illegal exchange. i now have a Mexican alternator made by Mitsubishi, and no reciept. If you can't figure it out by now, I will tell you. THE MEXICAN STOLE IT AND SOLD IT TO ME FOR 37 DOLLARS!
But don't tell me not to worry about Bin Laden.... Have you Forgotten?
Warped tour was swell, all 2 hours I was there. Zao did kick some ass though.
Havis and his companion Michael are gay and I'm going to Kill them. Current Mood: chipper
|Sunday, August 7th, 2005|
|Wal-Mart is gay
So I took another night off from Wally World. The Salad Dressing and BBQ Sauce will have to do with out me tonight. Warped tour is Monday and we still don't have tickets, but no worries. I watched some weird film with Reese witherspoon about British people in Britain. It was grand. I go back to VMI finally on the 28th. It has been a very long and tedious road to return there, but I've almost finished the journey. I can honestly say that I'm glad to go back. But knowing VMI, I will reverse my opinion soon after things start back up.
My car is noisy and needs repair and I play too much San Andreas. I want adderall, but there is none to be found. Oh yes, and Wal-Mart is infact gay. Sam Walton can lick my butt.
BY the way, I Love Liz. Yes I said it. I know that I never mention it, but I do. Liz is the only girl I ever plan on being with, and if you have a problem with it you can lick my sack. I hang out with her all the time and we will be dating for a year and six months in November. Just in case you were wondering.
|Saturday, July 16th, 2005|
Bonjour mes amis! J'ai un grand penis! Whats up everyone? I never update because my access to the internet is not exactly frequent. But i must tell you all the wonderful news! Part the Red Sea and shoot yourself in the face, I'm going back to VMI! As most of you are either walking along the sea bed or dead, there is not much of a point to continue this post, however, I will go against the norm and surprise my readers. I work at Walmart 3rd shift. Isn't that swell? Actually I'm off tonight due to fictional diareha and a bit tipsy. My balls are huge. What is there to even talk about on LJ? My days are fairly boring and uneventful, except for a few enjoyable instances which are I will keep to myself, you perverts. So yeah I'm in debt hardcore and will bne for a long. I hope I don't pull a Bart and keep using my credit cards, so that one day I can be debt-free or close to it. So yeah, VMI. August 28th. Buddy is gay, but also AWOL because I can't freakin' get ahold of him. He's either dead or blatently avoiding me. Have a super day and kill yourself a doon coon!
|Friday, May 13th, 2005|
So much has happened since my return, and yet so little. I have not recieved my bonus as of yet but will eventually. I've been to two shows, back to back helpings of Underoath, The Chariot, FBTMOF, and These arms are Snakes. It was swell. Mewithoutyou this tuesday, and maybe Terror and Comeback Kid Friday. Both should be swell. Anus
|Sunday, March 27th, 2005|
|Fort Leonard Wood
Greetings from the "Show Me" state, the home of greats like Nelly, and Chingy, and Mark Twain. In all reality this state sucks a nut. Its cold and windy all the fucking time, and theres an Army training facility here called Fort Leonard Wood, which sucks as well. 3 more weeks of AIT. 19 more days. I will be a Combat Engineer, 21B. Reserves of course, as Fort Living Room is more appealing to me than say Fort Hood or Carson. Lizzy, I Love you and Miss you. I'm comin' home babe. Will, we need to crack some skulls and hopefully soon after my return. I wish there was more to say, but there is not.
P.S. I miss drinking, smoking, and drugs. If you really like those things, do not choose an OSUT training program when joining the Army. But please do join the Army or any Military institution for that matter, the more the merrier.
|Tuesday, December 14th, 2004|
Everything blows. i most likely have or will fail all my stupid blue ridge classes simply for the fact that I
A: Stopped going to the class without dropping it.
B: Forgot when the final exam was and missed it.
C: Have a Radically liberal Socialist Feminist professor that would put Jenny's aspirations toward marxism to shame.
Other than that I hope that i don't actually need any more credits to get back into VMI.
Oh yes and I am most likely going to join the Army Reserve so as to hopefully get money and also get those faggoty volunteer hours that i would otherwise never do out of the way.
Anything else... Oh yes i have girl pants that make me a tool. At least i finally have tight pants for the shows
Apartment is hopefully possible even without 8000 from army.
|Friday, November 5th, 2004|
Well hello there my beloved non-existent supporters and minions. I hear its cool to voice one's political opinions on LJ, so here I go.
I told you that Bush would win again.
War is inevitable, so get used to it.
World Peace is a crock of shit, although I wish it could be possible.
Appeasement and toleration of Evil is, in turn, Evil.
If you think G.W. is evil, please sit down and think about just what he did is so bad.
If you think this war in Iraq is bad, wait til it comes here.
People are not drafted into the military, they volunteer and are paid to follow orders and to fight and die if necessary. If you are in the military, you have a right to complain, but what did you expect? If you are not in the military, then what are you complaining about?
Liberalism and the Democrat Party in America are declining because whining and complaining about Conservative politics is not a basis for existence.
If you really feel that something you have to say is important, then say it, but don't expect to be treated like a person.
Its hard being a young conservative because everyone else is a bleeding heart liberal, but thats why this country is so great, because I can choose to be different and so can you.
I may be alone in this category, but I wish the United States was an Imperialist nation and i would approve of invading everyone and taking all of their resources, like Rome.
What progress is there in pacifism? I know it and you know it, the only way to get something done is through force.
Liberals should stop pretending they are so concerned with human life, conservatives are human too.
If this pisses you off, it shouldn't.
|Sunday, September 19th, 2004|
Will is a queer. He eats his own feces. Will has no testicles. Will probably had a grand old time this weekend. I'm not fired from Pizza Inn yet even though I skipped out on work completely on friday. I drank lots of beer this weekend. I have a huge penis. Totinos Pizza is swell. Murder death Kill. Thats a good name for a band, I think i'll start it. I'm going to be the panzy guy and Will can be the Satan guy, but we'll throw everyone off by by singing good songs and then singing boy band songs. they'll never know what hit them. Nick and Ballsmack shall be in the band as well. At our first show Steffan will be invited to be in the band, but it will be a trick, and once we start playing we will grab him, tie him to an altar the will be placed in the center of the stage and dismember him like braveheart. Boston keeps sucking against the yankees. I hate the Yankees, they suck. I hate northeners too, the majority of them suck. I wish I had a billion dollars. Have a nice day. Fuck... I mean Flip you. Anus. Current Mood: thirsty